"DIEF"

Graphic courtesy of Ede's Due South WWW-Site

Origin of Nickname "Dief": It began in early 1995, when I first discovered a television program entitled Due South. I was enthralled with the show, and the manner in which it combined humor and a prevailing sense of justice. Anyway, to synopsize, DS centered around a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman (Constable Benton Fraser) who had, at the time of the show's arrival in the U.S., come to Chicago in search of his father's killer(s), and put down roots for a variety of reasons that, as Fraser would say, "do not need exploring at this juncture." Fraser aligned himself with a Chicago policeman (Detective Raymond Vecchio), and the two unified their respective skills -- which, I might add, seldom complemented each other -- for the betterment of the city. At any rate, Fraser was also often accompanied by his pet wolf, the above pictured Diefenbaker -- an endearing canine, filled with both indignation and investigative aptitude, which combined to form a universal crowd-pleasing quality.

Moving on, it was in the year in which I discovered this show that I also made my inception into cyberspace. Furthermore, I was confronted, as most, by the demand to select a screen name. My then allegiance to Due South compelled me to name myself after Diefenbaker. However, "Dief" had been taken, and "Diefenbaker" exceeded AOL's ten-figure limit. Thus, I defeaulted to "DiefWolf", and people came to know me simply as "Dief", which was the name I had originally intended to assume anyway.

Full Name (i.e. "the name on my driver's license"): Michael David Craig (I keep toying with the idea of adding a name -- something like "Zefram" -- but I'm far too lazy to deal with all the Social Security issues that would result.)
Pen Name (i.e. "the name on stuff I write"): Michael D. Craig (original, huh? I am creatively bereft when it comes to devising a good alias.)
Designation (i.e. "the name by which I'm commonly known"): Mike Craig (but my INet friends can call me DiefWolf, Dief -- anything but "Wolfie." I hate that one.)
Resides: Illinois. That's as specific as I'm going to get.
Would Rather Reside In: Place: In some sort of state where I'm just detached mental/spiritual energy, such that I don't have to worry about food, clothes, or hygiene, but can still move things around. Time: 1994 -- after the release of Final Fantasy III, but before videogaming went to hell.
Sex: Male.
Age: Totally irrelevant.
Marital Status: Alone and quite happy, thank you.
Birthplace: Illinois. Again, that's as specific as I'm going to get.
Birth Weight: 9 lbs. 7 oz. (You can know the weight but not the place. Am I screwed up or what?)
Birth Length: Not sure.
Current Weight: 130 lbs.
Current Height: 6 ft. 2.5 in.
Currant Weight: Not much, I'd imagine. They aren't very big.
Hair: Blond.
Legal Status: The fact that I am, like all people, in solidarity with the universe makes it seem awfully trifling that I am, by citizenship, an American, don't you think?.
Ancestry: Scottish, I am told.
Race: Caucasian -- please note that I couldn't care less that I'm not called an "Anglo-Saxon-American."
Religious Affiliation: Episcopalian by commitment, Buddhist by passion. Fidelity sucks.
Philosophy: Sort of a hybrid of an American Transcendalist without the renunciation of technology and a non-amorous British Romantic, plus some thoroughly utopian beliefs about currency and formalized education.
Hobbies: Golf (and being bad at it), creative writing (most of which takes place in my head), video games (of the "classic" variety), Web surfing, quoting literary figures for no reason, contemplation, meditation.
Occupations: Student, NES Preservationist, absurdly fervent nonconformist.
Story of My Life: Centers around me contemplating human nature and making sure everything on my desk is parallel to something else.
Pet Peeves: When people refer to television networks by their local channel number, feminine hygiene commercials, those "Old Country Buffet" commercials where the people talk to themselves, telephone salespeople, dogmatic philosophy, sanctimony, folks who talk about the sanctity of human life and then condone hunting, standardized tests, bad writing that is somehow considered literature (see "least favorite pieces of literature"), evil (which I kind of identify with standardized tests), the name "Bridget"
Phobias: Heights, night, failing my own expectations of myself (which I do quite a lot -- my standards are up in the cosmos somewhere.)
Favorite Color(s): Black (in general.) Earthtones (in clothing, carpets, and bath towels.)
Favorite TV Shows: Sports Night (Viva Aaron Sorkin!), Due South, Biography, Early Edition, Cosby, JAG, Frasier, The Jeffersons (anyone who can get "Weezie" from "Louise" is a genius in my book), Diagnosis Murder, Martial Law, anything that involves the Muppets, everything on Nick at Nite that isn't targeted at children (i.e. "isn't broadcast till 3 AM.")
Least Favorite TV Shows: Anything on Fox that centers around conformist teenagers or people who behave like them.
Political Affiliation: Pissed off.
Favorite Video Games: Hey! That's like asking a father to choose his favorite child.
Music Genres Preferred: Video game soundtracks, show tunes (the line to lynch me for this one forms from the left), 50s-to-early 70s rock, sea shanties, "They Might Be Giants", and anything else that bears the impress of extremism.
Favorite Musical Performers/Composers: "They Might Be Giants," "The Beatles" (after they devoloped their anti-establishment/philosophical vent and stopped writing all those stupid love songs -- if only they coulda done it without LSD), Nobuo Uematsu, Mandy Patinkin, Bob Dylan, "The Association," Elton John.
Least Favorite Musical Performers/Composers: Most contemporary bands other than TMBG, anyone who puts attitude and vulgarity above personality, the many contemporary female vocalists (Celine Dion, et al) whose popularity is founded upon legions of conformists, Leslie Gore, Beethoven (I accept that he was a genius, but all his work strikes me as just violent melancholy.)
Favorite Songs: Everything on Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (Beatles), "Spiraling Shape" (TMBG), "Subliminal" (TMBG), "Metal Detector" (TMBG), "I Should Be Allowed to Think" (TMBG), "Your Own Worst Enemy" (TMBG), "Destination Moon" (TMBG), "The Bells Are Ringing" (TMBG), everything on Flood (TMBG), (see a pattern yet), "Tabidachi no Asa" (I don't know who wrote it), "American Pie" (Don McLean), "The Last of Barrett's Privateers" (I don't know), the Charlie Brown theme (Vince Guaraldi), "Luck, Be a Lady Tonight" (I don't know), "Up On the Roof" (I don't know), everything that plays in Final Fantasy III (Uematsu), and a whole bunch of other video game songs of whose titles I'm not sure.
Least Favorite Songs: "It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To" (Gore), "Big Girls Don't Cry" (Valli, whom I usually like -- one tenet of a prolific era is that it churns out a lot of crap), anything that values attitude and vulgarity above artistry.
Favorite Movie(s): Quiz Show, Field of Dreams, Star Trek: First Contact, Dave, The American President (again, viva Aaron Sorkin!), Willow, Ghostbusters, Short Circuit 2, The Wizard -- I watch these in an unvaried, mobius-like succession (no, I'm not what you'd call a film conoisseur.)
Least Favorite Movies: Anything from Disney, excluding Cool Runnings and Rudy.
Favorite Pieces of Literature: Anything and everything by F. Scott Fitzgerald, Lincoln (Vidal), The Picture of Dorian Gray (Wilde), Civil Disobedience (Thoreau), The Occurence at Owl Creek Bridge (Bierce), Winesburg, Ohio (Anderson), The Right Stuff (Wolfe), Miniver Cheevy (Robinson), Howl (Ginsberg).
Least Favorite Pieces of Literature: Ethan Frome (Wharton) -- don't know why I didn't think of that sooner.
Favorite Miniseries/Specials: A Charlie Brown Christmas (are you honestly surprised?) Merlin, The Long Way Home, Cab to Canada (I don't profess not to be hokie), anything that involves The Muppets or their Sesame Street counterparts (note: I am dispositionally incapable of acting my age.)
Least Favorite Miniseries/Specials: The Last Don II (I don't doubt that it thoroughly redefined the concept of sucking), anything else that is melodramatic or centers around a woman with a crappy life.
Video Games Owned: As with Kupan, "that's a page in itself."
What's the Meaning of Life?: The meaning of life is whatever you would have it be.
Why Do Human Beings Exist?: I'd like to borrow from Bryan Cord's insinuations and suggest that we all exist to blast off and strike the evil Bydo empire.
Pets: Two cats (Snoopy, Tuffin).
What Sits On My Monitor?: Wally the stuffed walrus. He's about two years older than I am, so I figured I should show him the proper respects. He is also responsible for most of the variations in my routine. Nowadays, I turn the computer off with greater frequency out of concern that he'll start a fire.
Animal(s) I Would Most Like to Have as Pets but Know I Never Will: Chocobo, Timber Wolf, Killer Whale, Giant Squid.
Who would you rather meet, Mark Twain or Shania Twain?: Mark, hands down.
Vices: Fidgeting with my shoelaces, chewing pencils, scratching non-existent itches when I pass somebody I know and don't want to say "hi", general perfectionism.
Warren G. Harding or Tonya Harding?: Neither.
Random Thoughts: There are too many variations of swimming in the Summer Olympics. Why are oranges the only fruits named after their color? How does Charlie Brown continue to find hats that are two sizes too big for his head? The NBA must have some special eugenics program that they're not telling anyone about. Do you think young children would appreciate the whimsy of a breakfast cereal with marshmallow gongs called "Kabuki Crisp?" It's best to keep your shoulders aligned when throwing your golf clubs into a lake. Where did I leave my wallet?
Drew Carey or Mariah Carey?: Drew -- he is, in all capacities, unconventional, whereas Mariah (like Celine Dion and other such "artists") is idolized by the conventional.
Favorite Two-Character Interchanges:
Hilton - "You don't need a phone. You need to... write. Write more. People don't write enough."
Griffin - "Except for that guy, Andrew Lloyd Weber. He writes too much."
from Cosby
Charlie - "Have you ever watched these quiz shows, like The 64,000 Dollar Question or Twenty-One?"
Mark - "For 64,000 dollars I hope they ask you the meaning of life."
from Quiz Show
Al Gore or Leslie Gore?: My physician -- Dr. Jerry Gore.
System of Medicine: Homeopathy -- modern drugs involve giving up to much of one's system. How good can something possibly be if a person cannot operate heavy machinery after ingesting it?
Spike Lee or Bruce Lee?: Bruce -- self-discipline or a man who calls his films "joints"... that's what I call a one-second-decision.
Favorite Feelings: Epiphany and sheer, unadulterated whimsy (hence my love of the Muppets.)
John Lennon or Vladmir Lenin?: In principle, I love all people of radical political beliefs equally, but John's are more fun to listen to.
Favorite Food: The edible kind.
So You Eat a Lot?: Yes.
But You Only Weigh 130 Pounds: I'm of that strange stock whose food never manifests itself anywhere on his body. When I'm hungry enough to eat a lot, I do.
That Sounds Decadent: Well, it's not like I eat a lot of "rich" foods. Much of my diet consists of vegetables and such like.
You're Rationalizing: No I'm not. I don't really eat as much as I make it seem. The thing is that I sometimes eat one big meal instead of three small ones.
You're Lying: What reason do I have to lie about this?
To Mask the Fact That You're A Skinny Glutton: Maybe you're the skinny glutton, and you're projecting.
Shut Up: No, you shut up.
No, You Shut Up: (Okay, I've really exhausted this little schtick. Moving on...)
Princess Zelda or Zelda Fitzgerald?: One symbolizes videogaming purity, and the other joined alcohol in ruining a man who might otherwise have displaced Shakespeare as history's greatest literary genius. Who do you think I prefer?
Favorite Quotations: "Whoso would be a man must be a non-conformist." -Emerson; "Live your life." -Lucius Snow; "No one is ever too busy for cheese." -Sue Ann Nivens; "We do not inherit the land from our ancestors. We borrow it from our children." -Native American Proverb; "The compensation of a very early success is a conviction that life is a romantic matter." -F. Scott Fitzgerald; "Nothing happens unless first a dream." -Carl Sandburg; "It seems beyond the comprehension of people that someone can be born to draw comic strips, but I think I was." -Charles M. Schulz; "Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault. Those who find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope." -Oscar Wilde; "Why does [the state] not encourage its citizens to be on the alert to point out its flaws, and do better than it would have them? Why does it always crucify Christ, and excommunicate Copernicus and Luther, and pronounce Washington and Franklin rebels?" -Henry David Thoreau; "Fun is the one thing that money can't buy." -John Lennon and Paul McCartney